So I am behind in other posts I should have written already. But I need to write this. For myself mostly. And to remember.
This is a picture of me a day before I found out that things were not going to turn out the way I thought. And since this is one of the few pictures of me while I was pregnant, I want to remember.
I want to remember the way the other kids reacted when they found out we were expecting another baby right before Halloween. Tom had gathered our whole family into a circle in the living room. Then he asked Tommy how many people were in the circle. Tommy counted everyone and said there were seven. Then Tom told him no, there were eight. The older kids understood right away. And they were super excited and as soon as the younger kids caught on, they were too.
All our plans began to revolve around the baby coming in October. Planning for the next homeschooling year, we left two open weeks around the end of October for when the baby came. We were planning on bumping Lucy’s baptism to the beginning of November so we could have family there for Matthew’s ordination to the office of a Teacher, bless the baby and have Lucy baptized all in the same weekend.
We were all very excited. And this included Taivan. I didn’t know how he was going to react to having a new baby join our family, but I did with him like I did with all the other kids when a baby was on the way and we talked about the baby in my tummy and I helped him understand how much he would love that little baby. And he did. He would hug “the baby” all the time as he would cradle my growing tummy in his sweet little arms. And he talked about the baby in my tummy so much of the time and ask me questions.
All the kids felt like the baby was going to be a girl because in Matthew’s words, “It feels like there is a little sister that is missing from our family.” I felt the same way. Taivan told me we should name his baby sister Black Socks. We all laughed and said that sounded like the name of a cat.
I hadn’t really kept it a secret because it is hard to keep it a secret when you get morning sickness and start to show right away. It was fun to share our exciting news.
Last Thursday, May 12th, I wend in for a routine checkup at 16 weeks according to the dates I had. I was excited to hear the baby’s heartbeat again. At my 12 week checkup it had been difficult for the midwife to locate the heartbeat, so I wasn’t alarmed much when she couldn’t find a heartbeat. Just in case, we thought we should do an ultrasound to double check. And when the midwife knew for sure and she started crying and said she was so sorry and gave me a hug, I was in shock and devastated. Surely this couldn’t be happening. But it was. And looking back, part of me already knew. I hadn’t been feeling the baby move for a week or so. But it was hard to really know. Hindsight is always a little clearer. So I called Tom and he met me at another office where an ultrasound tech verified that there was no longer a heartbeat.
The doctor came in and said we had a couple of options. I could be induced and deliver the baby. This way we would be able to see the baby and hold it if we wanted. Or we could do a surgery. We opted for the induction.
I delivered pretty quickly with the help of the pills that induced labor. We were able to see the baby. He was very small, but very much a baby with fingers and toes and the beginnings of eyes, ears, and a nose. But just as I have felt when I have seen loved ones lying in a casket, I felt that baby’s body was empty. His spirit was not there, but with our Father in Heaven. I remember thinking that I should be feeling more. But I just remember feeling peace. Peace in knowing that my Father in Heaven knows all things and that He knew I needed this experience for some reason or many reasons. And because I know of His love for me and all His children, I only felt peace.
Everything had gone well up until this point.But my placenta wouldn’t detach and I was losing a lot of blood. I went into shock and my blood pressure went down quite a bit. I remembered the blessing I had received before going into the hospital and that I was promised that everything would be okay and that I would have the strength of family both on this side of the veil and the other, strengthening me. I had faith that no matter what was happening then, I would be okay. I felt the love of my dear husband who was right there holding my hand and praying over me. I know he was concerned. I could feel his protective presence, willing me to be okay. And I was. I ended up having the surgery to remove the placenta and stop the bleeding. And I left the hospital the next day.
When Tom and I arrived home, our children had turned our disastrous home into a clean, welcoming home. And I was so overcome with love for my children that I cried from happiness. This experience has taught me many things so far. And one of them is that because I have lost I am so very much more grateful for what I have. Truly every day since, I hear my kids conversing with their dad, or with each other, or I see Taivan acting crazy and all the normal things I saw before, but now it is magical. It is special to me. I realize more how much I love my children and how blessed I am to have five children. Five beautiful, wonderful children.
As with any loss, I am reminded of what I have lost and it still hurts. When I walked into my closet and all that I had hanging up were maternity clothes and it stung. When I walk up and down the stairs and feel my heart pounding inside my chest, I am reminded of what I have lost and I am sad. When Taivan asks me as he has every day since I came home from the hospital, if there is a baby in my tummy and I have to tell him no, it hurts. But I know there is hope. Hope in understanding the pain of others because I have felt pain myself. Hope in knowing that following and accepting God’s will for me will always be infinitely better than what I have planned for myself. I know He loves me. I have felt His love through others as they have reached out share in my pain. I have felt His love in the peace that resides in my heart even though there is still sadness. And being able to teach my children through this experience helps me to know that these kinds of experiences are meant for that reason. To learn.
Taivan asked me yesterday, “Mom, is there a baby in your tummy?” I answered, “No, there’s not.” He made a really sad and disappointed face and I asked him how he felt about that. He said he was sad. So I asked him how I could help him feel happy. And he answered, “Mom, I think you should get another baby in your tummy.” I would love for this to happen. But I know that no matter what, I can still be happy. There is happiness all around. Heavenly Father gives us things to be happy about every day. Even the day that I found out I had lost the child within me, my sister gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. It made me truly happy to hear this wonderful news! And following my Heavenly Father can give me peace and happiness each day, even on what might seem the worst of days.
2 Nephi 2:11 For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things.
Without the sadness, I would not know happiness. Without the pain, I would not know relief. Without the turmoil, I would not know peace. I am grateful that I know these things and that through every experience, I can learn more.